I’m Kat (Katherine) and I’m a 43-year old, unmarried and childless career girl who has been getting increasingly jaded by what my present dating prospects have brought me. I work as a Senior Project Manager for a Fortune 100 company and I’ve been “married” to my career, in a matter of speaking. I’ve been looking for a long term relationship now for about the past 5 years and it’s looking less and less promising.
I live in a metropolitan area where there seems to be many women just like myself, unmarried, no children and alone. I go on dates but they either never call me again or they are weird and creepy in some major way (no savings, porn addict, divorced with baggage, too old). I’ve tried Tinder and all of the other dating sites and I’m tired and very frustrated with not being able to find anyone good enough for me. I don’t mean to sound full of myself but I have a great career and my own money for trips and an IRA and I’m still good looking and very sexy for being 43.
I honestly don’t understand why I can’t find anyone worthwhile to date. It’s getting a bit maddening and I find myself wanting to chew broken glass when I consider even dating one more male reject in this city. What can I do at this point? How can I find that one special good guy that is worth my time?
Hi Katherine, thanks for writing me.
I hope you’re cozy and sitting down with a Jack and Coke firmly in hand. This is going to be a bit painful.
You asked, “How can I find that one special good guy that is worth my time?”
You mean, you’re 43 years old, have a high profile career and tons of money in the bank and you still can’t figure this out?
Also, it depends on what you mean by “good.” I sense that what you mean by “good” is a man who is rich, dashing, influential, and extremely handsome.
That ship has sailed, my dear. You don’t have the social standing nor the required sexual appeal and youthful attractiveness–you are 43 years old. It’s harsh, it’s awful, and it’s uncouth. And it’s also the honest to goodness truth.
Forgive me if I don’t take kindly to unabashed, self-aggrandizing egotists who claim to have it all figured out yet can’t figure out why they’re unmarried and childless at 43 years old. Women your age in your predicament don’t know what it’s like to be with a good man. You’ve passed over all the “good men” in your life to sleep with dozens of assholes. That was your choice–a seemingly bad choice all around but your choice, nonetheless. And it’s time to own up to it.
“I don’t mean to sound full of myself but I have a great career, my own money for trips and an IRA and I’m still good looking and very sexy for being 43.”
To whom, exactly? Obviously not to anyone worthwhile otherwise you wouldn’t be writing to strangers on the internet asking them how a “good looking and very sexy 43-year old woman” like yourself can’t find a “good” man.
You’re pushing a rotten bill of goods that has long surpassed the expiration date. Yes, I’m of the firm belief that when people get to be middle aged, the potency of their once overwhelming and irresistible sexual attractiveness becomes but a mere afterthought.
When this happens we have to make much needed concessions, namely, developing character, efficacy, compassion and respectability–and growing up well beyond a sense of foolishness and self-entitlement.
When you’re young, beautiful and sexy you can make all the demands you want–and men everywhere will rush to meet them, hand over fist.
When you’re old, unbangable, wrinkled and past your prime, you have to make a lot of sacrifices. You are not Sofía Vergara. Not now, not ever and certainly not tomorrow nor sometime next week.
If you want me to tell you how you can find a “good man” you better start considering, far more closely, the men who are even taking the time to even bother to date you. 50 is coming full charge around the corner, and after that, rest assured, you won’t be “bragging” about being hot and sexy. You’ll be in the shadows afflicted and consumed with the really hard and unpleasant stuff–like planning for a retirement alone, taking trips around the world alone, and facing the prospect of winding up in the hospital with heart disease and cancer. Alone.
Stop dismissing men who take an interest in you outright for their faults while emphasizing yours (yes, bragging about being hot and sexy at 43 years old, childless and alone is a major fault).
Instead, emphasize what you realistically have to offer. Can you offer meaningful companionship? Can you cook a decent meal? Can you carry on a conversation? Are you genuinely curious about how you can please a man and make him happy, instead of demanding he meet your unrealistic standards?
In the meantime, make sure you are fit, keep your facial aging to the absolute bare minimum, dress feminine and keep your hair, nails and teeth in immaculate condition. Perhaps then you’ll find a guy who is at least 10 years older, who is basic and unexciting and run-of-the-mill, and is likely of lower status and has a thing for “take charge” career women. You are not going to get an alpha male to even look in your direction ever again.
Pickings are slim for a woman your age, and they’re going to get slimmer. Either learn to live with the ever-burdensome squeeze or loosen your standards and find a man who is more on your level–which is far, far lower than you believe and are letting on.
Best of luck because you’re going to need it,