I’m 43 and Alone – Can I Find a Good Man?

Why can't i find a good man

Dear Melissa,

I’m Kat (Katherine) and I’m a 43-year old, unmarried and childless career girl who has been getting increasingly jaded by what my present dating prospects have brought me. I work as a Senior Project Manager for a Fortune 100 company and I’ve been “married” to my career, in a matter of speaking. I’ve been looking for a long term relationship now for about the past 5 years and it’s looking less and less promising.

I live in a metropolitan area where there seems to be many women just like myself, unmarried, no children and alone. I go on dates but they either never call me again or they are weird and creepy in some major way (no savings, porn addict, divorced with baggage, too old). I’ve tried Tinder and all of the other dating sites and I’m tired and very frustrated with not being able to find anyone good enough for me. I don’t mean to sound full of myself but I have a great career and my own money for trips and an IRA and I’m still good looking and very sexy for being 43.

I honestly don’t understand why I can’t find anyone worthwhile to date. It’s getting a bit maddening and I find myself wanting to chew broken glass when I consider even dating one more male reject in this city. What can I do at this point? How can I find that one special good guy that is worth my time?

 

Sincerely,

Kat

 

*****

 

Hi Katherine, thanks for writing me.

I hope you’re cozy and sitting down with a Jack and Coke firmly in hand. This is going to be a bit painful.

You asked, “How can I find that one special good guy that is worth my time?

You mean, you’re 43 years old, have a high profile career and tons of money in the bank and you still can’t figure this out?

Also, it depends on what you mean by “good.” I sense that what you mean by “good” is a man who is rich, dashing, influential, and extremely handsome.

That ship has sailed, my dear. You don’t have the social standing nor the required sexual appeal and youthful attractiveness–you are 43 years old. It’s harsh, it’s awful, and it’s uncouth. And it’s also the honest to goodness truth.

Forgive me if I don’t take kindly to unabashed, self-aggrandizing egotists who claim to have it all figured out yet can’t figure out why they’re unmarried and childless at 43 years old. Women your age in your predicament don’t know what it’s like to be with a good man. You’ve passed over all the “good men” in your life to sleep with dozens of assholes. That was your choice–a seemingly bad choice all around but your choice, nonetheless. And it’s time to own up to it.

“I don’t mean to sound full of myself but I have a great career, my own money for trips and an IRA and I’m still good looking and very sexy for being 43.”

To whom, exactly? Obviously not to anyone worthwhile otherwise you wouldn’t be writing to strangers on the internet asking them how a “good looking and very sexy 43-year old woman” like yourself can’t find a “good” man.

You’re pushing a rotten bill of goods that has long surpassed the expiration date. Yes, I’m of the firm belief that when people get to be middle aged, the potency of their once overwhelming and irresistible sexual attractiveness becomes but a mere afterthought.

When this happens we have to make much needed concessions, namely, developing character, efficacy, compassion and respectability–and growing up well beyond a sense of foolishness and self-entitlement.

When you’re young, beautiful and sexy you can make all the demands you want–and men everywhere will rush to meet them, hand over fist.

When you’re old, unbangable, wrinkled and past your prime, you have to make a lot of sacrifices. You are not Sofía Vergara. Not now, not ever and certainly not tomorrow nor sometime next week.

If you want me to tell you how you can find a “good man” you better start considering, far more closely, the men who are even taking the time to even bother to date you. 50 is coming full charge around the corner, and after that, rest assured, you won’t be “bragging” about being hot and sexy. You’ll be in the shadows afflicted and consumed with the really hard and unpleasant stuff–like planning for a retirement alone, taking trips around the world alone, and facing the prospect of winding up in the hospital with heart disease and cancer. Alone.

Stop dismissing men who take an interest in you outright for their faults while emphasizing yours (yes, bragging about being hot and sexy at 43 years old, childless and alone is a major fault).

Instead, emphasize what you realistically have to offer. Can you offer meaningful companionship? Can you cook a decent meal? Can you carry on a conversation? Are you genuinely curious about how you can please a man and make him happy, instead of demanding he meet your unrealistic standards?

In the meantime, make sure you are fit, keep your facial aging to the absolute bare minimum, dress feminine and keep your hair, nails and teeth in immaculate condition. Perhaps then you’ll find a guy who is at least 10 years older, who is basic and unexciting and run-of-the-mill, and is likely of lower status and has a thing for “take charge” career women. You are not going to get an alpha male to even look in your direction ever again.

Pickings are slim for a woman your age, and they’re going to get slimmer. Either learn to live with the ever-burdensome squeeze or loosen your standards and find a man who is more on your level–which is far, far lower than you believe and are letting on.

Best of luck because you’re going to need it,

 

Melissa

  • Philip Herron

    Tough but fair. Most people during my time at university spent their time drinking and sleeping around. I never slept around and only had 2 sexual partners, the 2nd we have been together for 5 years and starting a family i am 28 now.

    When i think about it all i would have wanted to be with more women when i was young but i had to swallow a hard truth that at the time i was overweight unemployeed university student. Not exactly interesting. But learning that was why i am not earning much much more than all of my friends and i have a happy healthy relationship and i own my own home. Not many people my age have this.

    Its just being truthful that men must be a provider to be attractive. When i was at university though most women wouldnt look at you unless you had tatoo’s or piercings and were known to be a loud drunk ass hole. Plus many really struggle to hold a convorsation the amount i hated talking to women just to find they cannot talk about anything other than shared mutal friends or shared things like university.

    Women’s standards seem to have dropped of the face of the planet and it really shows the number of women 30+ we know who are single and depressed. Never mind how common STD’s are now.

  • Tooj

    Hey, Newfie! A good balanced response. You showed far more compassion than the questions beggared. “…when I consider even dating one more male reject in this city” pretty much tore it for me. (@$#%##$$$$!!! pompous b@tch came to mind)

    You see, I’m someone who finally married at 54 years of age. I met, spent time with and learned from very many women like this one that I nearly wrote them off entirely. It wasn’t so much that they were the ones that were unbearable, many had really great traits, but rather that they had no sense of perspective.

    They had no idea that even when someone seems really great, not a single person will be ideal. Everyone has faults and living up to another person’s sense of “perfect” is way too much B.S. to put up with. Don’t get angry or fall to the impulse to punch her out; LEAVE…QUICKLY.

    I also found that most women who had “great careers” earned them in ways I had no moral or ethical agreement with; very little by merit alone. I’m a software engineer and learned very quickly to avoid project managers on a personal basis like the freaking plague! That career field is filled with people who use talented people as “resources”. Most of them cannot separate this from their personal life, hence, the sexy 43-year-old worrying about her dried up ovaries.

    • Hi Tooj, nice to see you again. LOL @ Newfie (reminds me of the Newfoundland dog).

      Interesting what you say about project managers being parasitical. Makes complete sense now. I feel for anyone who bothers with this woman. She sounds like a nightmare because she is–I’ve since had to block her on this platform and ignore her repeated attempts to contact me because she is angry.

      • Tooj

        Yup, I still wander the web from time to time. It can be interesting and never hurts to see differing perspectives.

        I’ve never seen what you look like, so it wouldn’t be an honest comparison. Do you look like a large breed dog? 😉

        What is it about these folks that took advantage of feminism? I’m amazed by people who want to dump their dirty laundry in your front yard and then expect you to clean, press and fold it for them.

        It exemplifies what I’ve said about P.M.’s. They exist only to use other people and truly can’t handle it when someone tells them “no”.

    • Dawn Siler

      @Tooj

  • vadhajtáska

    Great response. Women need to understand what men are looking for, and stop wasting their most fertile years on their career, and riding the cock carousel. No matter how much they blame and shame, they can’t change instincts molded over thousands of years. Guys that she considers “worth of her time” can get women half of her age.
    http://cdn1.historybuff.com/images/2015/12/17143036/anti-suffragette.jpg

  • JGH46

    Most men are profoundly uninterested in a woman’s job or her financial wherewithal. If he wants a family he does care very much that his wife is young enough to bear children without the use of advanced biotechnology and sane enough to be a good mother. So I’m sorry, Kat, but you’re past your expiration date.

  • ralphie44

    1-Get in shape, lose that weight. This will go a LONG way toward making you stand out amongst your peers. Forget the boob job. It is your ass that is most important.
    2-Stop being a bitch. Stop repeating the bullshit like “I hate kids”, etc. NOT pretty.
    3-Turn off the TV and mainstream “everything” (magazines.. COSMO, etc). This will go a long way toward helping you fulfill items 1 and 2.
    4-Settle for a guy who hasn’t got a fortune. Most available men have been wrecked by divorce by now. They will not have what they would likely have if we didnt live in shithell. (They might not be divorced either so, who knows?) Find the guy who is attractive to you and honest with a kind heart. There are more than you think. If he is a porn monkey DUMP him and keep looking.
    Time will show you who he is.

  • You delivered a very good response, though I can’t help but wonder if this was a staged letter/a troll. The description of her situation sounded too…”perfect” to be true. Maybe it’s the skeptic in me, I don’t know. :/ I suppose it is good to observe the consequences of failures vicariously through someone else, as possibly fabricated as “Kat” may be.

    • Freethinking Влади́мир

      I needed to give it a thought, but the spontaneous thought is that this trolling is too good to be true.

  • Starchecker

    LMFAO NAILED IT!!!

    All these women that bought the feminist BS for the last 30 years are now smashing up against the brick wall known as consequences. As you mentioned, she slept around was married to her career and passed up all the good guys on the way and now she gets to die alone.

    She has lived her entire life making bad choices and living completely for herself. This is the one piece of hope you should have given her, “don’t feel too bad though, even if somehow you could find the perfect alpha male, who is charming, rich, and attractive, he STILL wouldn’t make you happy. You are incapable of being happy or satisfied, you are a narcissist. Just as a spoiled rotten child is the most miserable thing you will ever see, so a person completely devoted to their own interests will never be happy or satisfied with anything.”

    The harsh reality is that women once they hit 40, IF they are lucky AND have been very disciplined, start to look pretty scary. As the old saying goes, men age like fine wine and women age like milk. SOOO when you are young and attractive you need to settle with the right guy so that he has so fallen in love with you that he can actually still be in love and attracted to you when you hit the wall.

    It’s just almost impossible for a man to be attracted to a middle aged woman unless he has already been attracted to her for years.

    OH and one other key component, you better have character, lots of lots of character which includes kindness and being unselfish. Because no matter how hot you are, if you are self centered and lack that feminine compassion and kindness your ugliness will come out.

    One thing God has never been able to pull off, making a woman attractive enough to put up with her shit. Oh there are many men that will do it for awhile, but eventually they all get tired of it. Too many like her probably just moved on to the next victim and lo and behold she finds herself 43 and alone, with NOTHING to offer. MONEY? Are you kidding me? He will already have that, and no man is stupid enough to think she would let him have access to any of HER money.

    So here is my advice to her. It’s her one chance at redemption. Go on tour, start a YouTube channel and warn other women of the mistake and set the straight. Tell them to avoid the hell you created for yourself and tell them that feminism is a LIE, that being an independent women is doublespeak for alone, empty and unfulfilled.

  • Beentheredonethat

    Wow Melissa, bitter is not attractive.

  • Freethinking Влади́мир

    Great response. Same goes for men. Women never gave me a second look unless I really did my best. Then in my early 40’s I finally made career. I prance tanned, smiling and in nice clothing. Now I’m close to my 50’s and still shocked each time I catch a women gazing at me. But they are 40’s, late thirties sometimes. Forget it. Not interested in women with a waist wider than their shoulders or dried up labia majora.

    I take full responsibility for the choices I make. Make no mistake, I fully support traditionalism. I wish I was smart enough to teach others what I have learned.

    P.S. I’m not the man she’s looking for either. Don’t need executive type female, on top on the things I just mentioned. I’m happy to pay for what I want. Because now I can afford the good ones too.